


The Valentine's Day Fiasco

by Impossibly_Izzy



Category: Modern Family (TV)
Genre: Multi, Roleplay, Valentine's Day, awkward family interactions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 07:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8704075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impossibly_Izzy/pseuds/Impossibly_Izzy
Summary: All three couples book into the same hotel on Valentine's Day, which turns out to be awkward and vaguely distracting. My idea for a Valentine's Day episode





	

“…and so I finally said ‘Dad, why would they order thirty thousand closets anyway?’ I mean, _come on_.” Said Claire.

Mitchell laughed.

“Oh, by the way.” Claire continued. “Are we still going to Dad’s tonight? Because I think Phil and I are going to do something for Valentine’s Day.”

“So are Jay and Gloria.”

“Okay, great. Well, see you soon. Bye!” Claire hung up, and Mitchell was left wondering why he was the only one without plans.

“Maybe we should do something for Valentine’s Day this year.” He said out loud.

“I could dress Lily up as Cupid again.” Said Cam eagerly, appearing in the doorway.

“She must have grown out of that outfit by now.” Mitchell pointed out.

“I got her a new one.”

“Of course you did.”

 

“We’re not going back to that hotel where, you know, that thing with the escalator happened, are we?”

“You mean when I had to give Claire my coat and then she lost her underwear?” said Gloria.

Jay made a face.

“Don’t worry, we go to the different one.” Gloria assured him.

Jay nodded his approval. Witnessing another fiasco between his daughter and son-in-law was _not_ what he had in mind for that night.

 

Claire immediately spotted Phil on the other side of the bar, but she hovered in the entrance anyway. He was wearing that ridiculous turtleneck again, with the same blazer with the name sticker. He looked up then, and she held his gaze as she sauntered across the room and slid onto the bar stool next to his.

“It’s been a while, Clive.” She said.

“So it has, Juliana.” He was doing that voice: the one that he thought was sexy but wasn’t, except that it kind of _was_ sexy. “What brings you here?”

“Only the fact that it’s Valentine’s day and I knew where to find you.”

“That’s funny.” Said Phil. “Because this is a different hotel to the one we used to meet in.”

“I guess I’m just good at finding what I want.”

“Well then, can you find the bartender, because I want to buy you a drink and he’s disappeared.” Said Phil, his Clive Bixby voice slipping slightly. “Seriously, where did he go?”

 

All Jay had wanted was a night with his wife, without his entire extended family showing up. Was that too much to ask?

Apparently, it was, because as they walked through the hotel lobby, he was Phil walking towards them.

“Hey Jay, Gloria!” said Phil. “What are you doing here?”

“Who’s Clive Bixby?” said Jay, squinting at the sticker on Phil’s blazer.

“What? Nothing.” Said Phil, hurriedly removing the sticker. “Anyway, nice to see you.” And with that, he walked off.

 

Phil left to go to the bathroom, and Claire tried to think of something sexy to do that wouldn’t end in A) embarrassment in front of her dad or B) Phil almost getting arrested.

“So, Clive…” She said, when he had returned. “I was thinking-”

“Who’s Clive?” Phil said, in his normal voice.

Claire frowned.

“Juliana.” He continued. “I told you last year, you are a wonderful lady but I love and respect my wife, and, as such, cannot see you anymore.”

Claire decided to play along with it.

“I think about you a lot, Phil.” She said. “About that night we had together.”

“I’m sorry, Juliana.” He said. “But I need to find my wife. Also my nametag.”

 

Once he had demonstrated extreme patience as he watched Lily’s Cupid performance, Mitchell organised a sleepover for her and a night at a local hotel for himself and Cam. It felt weird, trying to be the romantic one for once.

And it would have gone fine, if Jay and Gloria hadn’t managed to pick the same hotel. They were

 “Is that Jay and Gloria?”

“Oh god.” Said Mitchell. “Where?” He turned around, to see his dad and Gloria sitting on the other side of the hotel restaurant. Mitchell found himself ducking his head every time one of them looked in his direction. As though he could hide from them or something.

“Oh god.” He said again. “How did we end up at the same hotel as them?”

“You were the one who booked it.” Cam pointed out, unhelpfully.

 

The longer they stayed, the less Jay wanted to be here. The meal was good, but he knew that Claire and Phil were here – and was that Mitchell and Cam on the other side of the restaurant? Oh jeez.

And, to make matters worse, Jay couldn’t stop a doubt from nagging at his mind.

“Are you sure Manny’s okay looking after Joe?” he said.

“Yes.” Gloria looked at him like he was crazy. “Manny looks after Joe all the time.”

“Last time Claire and Phil went out for Valentine’s Day, the kids had a party, didn’t they? Well if they’re having one tonight, don’t you think Manny would want to be there?”

Gloria looked outraged. “Manny would never go to a party when he was supposed to be looking after Joe!”

“I’m just saying, just because that kid talks like a forty-five year old doesn’t mean he’ll always act like one.”

Gloria still looked offended.

“How about we call him after dinner?” Jay suggested.

“Yes, so that I can prove you wrong.”

 

“Hey there, Juliana.” Phil was back, his name sticker rather crumpled and looking like it might fall off his blazer at any moment. “Who was that handsome man I saw you talking to?”

“Just an old flame, Clive.” Said Claire. “You aren’t jealous, are you?”

“I don’t get jealous.”

They carried on like that for a while, and Claire wondered why she was enjoying this so much; Phil wearing a turtleneck and prattling on in that unsexy but kind of sexy voice.

Eventually she decided that, although she _was_ enjoying this, there were things she would enjoy more.

 

Jay decided that they should skip desert, and call Manny instead. If everything was okay they could go to their room, and if it wasn’t then he wanted to get home. Even if everything _was_ okay, they wouldn’t have to stay all night.

He tried to be subtle on the phone, asking about how Joe was while listening out for the sounds of a party in the background, but Gloria ruined it by grabbing the phone and asking directly. Manny was offended at the idea that he would take any less than impeccable (his word) care of Joe, and Gloria was gleeful.

They went to their room.

 

Mitchell made sure that he and Cam left the restaurant as long as possible after Jay and Gloria, so that they wouldn’t run into each other in the lobby. At the same time, he was trying hard not to think about Jay and Gloria, because nothing was as unromantic and unsexy as the knowledge that his father and stepmother were at the same hotel as them and for the same reason. Which was to have sex. He tried not to think about it.

They left the restaurant holding hands, walking in the direction of their room. In the lobby, he suddenly stopped walking and pulled Cam in and kissed him, just because he wanted to. Maybe he could do romantic, he thought.

But that was ruined once Mitchell looked up and saw Claire and Phil waiting for the elevators.

“Let’s go this way.” He said quietly, hoping that they wouldn’t hear him. He dragged Cam down a corridor to where he hoped the stairs were.

“Why are you acting like this?”

“Claire and Phil are here. They’re here to have _sex_.”

“Mitchell, it’s Valentine’s Day, everyone’s here to have sex.”

“I’m trying not to think about that.”

They found the stairs, and got to their room without running into Jay and Gloria or Claire and Phil again. Mitchell stopped thinking about them entirely.

 

 

Suddenly, the quiet of the hotel was shattered. The shrill noise of the fire alarm blared out, causing couples across the hotel to wince in unison.

 

Jay’s eyes snapped open. He must have fallen asleep, he realised. What was that god-awful noise? “Jay! Jay! _Jay!_ ” Gloria practically fell out of the bathroom door, a towel wrapped round her and her eyes wide with alarm. She looked dishevelled: no make-up, her hair hanging limp and wet around her shoulders.

“I can’t go outside like _this_!” she said. Jay sat up, wearily, and got to his feet.

“We might not have to.” He said hopefully. At that moment, there came the sound of someone knocking on the bedroom door.

“We’re evacuating to out in front of the hotel!” Someone called through the door.

“Aw, jeez.” Said Jay.

 

“Julianna, may I just say that you are the – what’s that noise?”

“Is that the fire alarm?” said Claire.

There was a pause as they both listened to the wailing of the alarm. And then came the sound of someone in the corridor, calling “Everyone out! This is not a drill!”

“Oh, god.” Said Claire, anxiously. She climbed off the bed, hurriedly looking around her for something to put on over her lingerie. She grabbed the first thing she found – Phil’s stupid turtleneck – and pulled it on. It was just long enough to cover her – good enough, she decided.

She looked up to see Phil pulling on his blazer over his bare chest.

“Everyone out! We’re evacuating to out front!” came another cry from the corridor.

Claire yanked the bedroom door open, paused, and turned back to pick up her phone, before she and Phil stepped out into the corridor together. It was full of people -mostly couples – in varying degrees of undress, talking nervously as the alarm continued to sound.

 

“Everyone out! We’re evacuating to out front!” someone yelled from the corridor. Mitchell barely heard it, what with the fire alarm and the equally shrill noise of Cam freaking out.

“Let’s get out of here.” Said Mitchell, comparatively calmly.

“You don’t understand how serious this is!” responded Cam, looking round for his shoes. “Do you know how much these shoes cost, Mitchell?”

From outside the door, someone else called out “Everyone needs to leave their rooms! Now!”

“Hurry up.” Said Mitchell, hastily buttoning up his shirt. They stepped into the corridor, Cam attempting to put on his shoes while walking.

 

It was chaos outside; everyone milling around and looking up at the hotel, trying to figure out where the fire was. There was a faint trail of smoke across the cloudless sky, but nothing as dramatic as Claire had expected. She turned round to look back at the building, but couldn’t see any other signs of the fire.

“Phil, where do you think the – Phil?” She spun round, looking for her husband, but he had disappeared into the crowd.

“Claire!” Claire turned round, to see Gloria. Her appearance almost made Claire do a double-take; it was the first time she had seen Gloria with no make-up. She looked more human, somehow. Human, and worried.

“I’ve lost Jay.” She said.

“I’ve lost Phil.” Claire admitted.

 

Jay looked around him, but saw no sign of Gloria. How was it possible to lose somebody who could make so much noise?

After a while he saw two familiar figures coming towards him, although neither was Gloria. Cam and Mitchell were both fully dressed, although they had a rumpled appearance. Mitchell’s shirt was buttoned up completely wrong; the two sides unaligned and some buttons missed entirely. Jay, in his hotel robe, almost felt better-dressed.

The three of them loitered together, until Claire, Gloria, and Phil found them.

Mitchell was trying to ignore the fact that Phil was wearing nothing but boxers and a blazer, and that Claire was wearing a sweater that she kept trying to pull down to cover herself better.

Eventually, a hotel employee told everyone that the fire had only been a very small one in the kitchen that had been dealt with, and that they could all go back to their rooms.

Jay yawned. What time was it? “I did want to go home,” he said to Gloria. “But now I’m thinking we should just go to bed.”

“If you’re not too _worried_.” She said, trying to wind him up.

 

“I think we should get our stuff and go home.” Said Cam, and Mitchell had to agree with him. It was getting more and more difficult to not think about his family being here. And besides, Lily was at a sleepover, and they didn’t _need_ to be in a hotel…

 

“We should go home.” Claire decided. “I’ll call the kids and let them know.”

As she and Phil walked back to the hotel, she called Alex. (Because Alex was really in charge, even though Haley was there)

“Hey honey. I’m just calling to let you know that there was a fire in the hotel – nothing major, but your dad and I are coming home anyway.”

“Okay.” Said Alex. Claire thought she sounded odd, but dismissed it. They would be home soon anyway.

“See you soon!”

 

On the other side of town, Alex hurriedly turned off the music and climbed onto a chair. Looking out at the living room crowded with partygoers, she yelled “Everyone needs to leave! Our parents are coming home!”

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I really hope that made sense! Thanks for reading!


End file.
